How to Be A Cool Asian

“How to Be A Cool Asian” – e-Hawaii Joke

  1. Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white
  2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine
  3. Own a cellular phone with a built in answering machine
  4. Have only Asian friends
  5. Speak only in Asian languages
  6. Dress as though you’re headed for a party when you’re actually going to class
  7. If you’re a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA
  8. If you’re a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA
  9. Smoke even if you don’t know how to, especially if you’re with friends
  10. Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties
  11. Go to all the cool Asian “intercollegiate parties”!
  12. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music
  13. Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians
  14. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs
  15. If you’re a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE!
  16. If you’re a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY!
  17. Wear only designer labels
  18. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel
  19. Own a pair of Doc Martens
  20. Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them
  21. Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners
  22. BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER
  23. Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car
  24. Own a sports car
  25. Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated
  26. Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school
  27. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion
  28. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates
  29. If you’re a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a circumsized penis
  30. If you’re a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal “coolness”
  31. Two words: Manhattan Portage
  32. If you’re a guy, don’t be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the loudness of your car’s engine
  33. If you’re a girl, don’t be embarassed about your small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of make up on your face
  34. If you’re a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
  35. If you’re Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish
  36. Date only the people from your own clique, or even “a cooler one”!
  37. If you’re in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
  38. If you’re a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the “theft” of your women
  39. If you’re a girl… well, Asian men never date interracially anyway.
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